Down...

Wow, I have felt so awful this week.  I am irrationally angry just from the sight of some people at work, and tears come to my eyes with the tiniest nostalgic thought... People will say hi to me in the hall and it is all that I can do to simply say hi back rather than yelling "F off!" instead. I'm not kidding. I've also had some pretty euphoric moments, but these are less intense. I mostly feel like why the hell am I in Boston, why did I choose this career path, everything I am doing is insignificant, how can I be working so hard and still feeling like the chances of getting a job are so slim, why is it so hard to focus at work... I feel guilty for not being happier, since I know rationally I do have a good life. Seeing Omar's sweet face makes me sad, since I think, come on, Lisa - why doesn't this make you happy?

I know these feelings are partly based in real life stresses, but normally I have a good enough blind faith that things will work out, and I can look back at what we have accomplished so far and feel like there is a good possibility that things will continue to be fine in the near future.  So, I feel like these crazy bad moods are chemical.

Not coincidentally, I think, around a week ago, I decided to stop pumping at work, since Omar doesn't seem to have a preference for pumped breast milk over the formula we use to supplement recently, and he's only drinking around 4 ounces of milk or formula at daycare anyway (mostly eating solid food).  So we now just nurse at night before bed and when he wakes up at 4AM. I was thinking this is a good transition to nudge him toward weaning around his first birthday, although I don't plan to ever cut him off completely before he's ready.

At first it was really nice to not have to plan my day around the pumping. But a couple of days into this, I realized I was really dragging and feeling depressed like I described. Then I felt just plain MEAN. I am totally missing my mid-day dose of oxytocin, I think.  Is it possible to have postpartum depression symptoms from weaning? Even gradually like I'm doing? I hope this evens out soon. I'm finding it impossible to treat my symptoms the way I normally used to with yoga, since, as I mentioned, Omar wakes up at 4AM, so there is no time - he takes a nap before daycare, but I have to use this time to get all our stuff ready for the day. I think Art and I probably average 5 hours of sleep  on a good night. I just wonder how anyone does it with more than one kid..Thankfully, my irrational irritation seems to be limited to my co-workers and occasionally Art - still feeling sweet towards Omar. If this doesn't clear up soon, I might just have to put up a 'do not disturb' sign at work so that I don't kill someone.