It moved!

I felt it!!!!!

Belly getting b-i-g...

I like this...she is great! and so is California

I love the smile of relief that just involuntarily comes over her face when she sings the word "California"...very genuine. 

My Gift/Curse

I have a special instant karmic gift or curse: any time I say something bad about someone or something, I immediately summon them to do something to prove me wrong...or the universe changes (or reveals) their situation so that I feel bad about what I said.  I could list countless examples of this, but I don't want to make it seem like I talk bad about people all day...it is uncanny, though. It makes me wonder if I really went by the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" mantra...would my feelings of annoyance still be contradicted so instantaneously?  I bet it makes me seem like a terribly inconsistent person, since I complain about someone one day and then I have no problem with them the next day, but I think it's better to be inconsistent than to be committed to disliking someone or something.  I guess if I can access any reason to let go of a negative thing, my feeling is that it's good to just unapologetically let it go and don't think too hard about it.

You can probably see where this is going from my last post...ever since last weekend, I have started liking our life in Boston more. :)

The start of year two

I used to like the times when I was alone in San Diego.  In Boston...not so much.

I'm realizing that, although there are many isolated things I like about this place, in general...I don't like Boston. I was trying to pin it down today to one of my friends and I think I said "It's like some great...breeding ground, where rich and pampered prep school kids come to spawn." They seem to only go out at night because it is what it expected of them at this age...just like they have done everything that is expected of them at every age. They complain about their lives like it's the end of the world if they only traveled within the 48 contiguous states over their summer break. Their conversations are mind-numbingly boring. Like, have an original thought! Connect, don't always try to impress! Use a freaking slang word every once in a while...are you afraid someone will think less of you if you aren't constantly demonstrating your perfect command of the Queen's English? The girls here evaluate the boys like they are sizing them up as a breeding partner...talking about their career options and families...there is no gut feeling of "I LIKE him".  There is no feeling!

The worst thing is...I think they're rubbing off on me. This ATMOSPHERE of...pressure to not make a mistake...of being evaluated...is making me TIMID! I realized I'm not totally that good of a friend anymore. I don't take risks; I don't want to put myself out there as much; I am too reserved.  I evaluate things cooly before responding instead of just giving my knee-jerk reaction. It was easier in San Diego to not need to define myself and to be free with my time and energy and warm feelings toward people. To say, hey, let's go do this. It was easier to not have to justify ENJOYing things! The New England culture is so oppressive sometimes! It's that knowing "oh,..." and prim head nod.  The locals want to classify you so badly that you're afraid to say something that will damn you into some category for the rest of the time they know you. So I end up saying less and less...

I know there are normal people here in Boston, it's just that none of us want to venture out into this depressingly un-messy breeding ground of conformity and perfection, so we keep to ourselves and have our babies and count the days until we can move back to a more sane community. Or maybe a year is too short an amount of time to have found the riverbeds where THEY all hang out. Or "convene".

I'm coming out!

I am finally posting old hidden posts about being pregnant! There aren't many, since most of the past few weeks have been feeling unwell beyond my control. Then, so abruptly, a few days ago, I'm normal again.

I decided to come out of the closet after 3 months of waiting. I am nearing the end of week 12 today.  I felt like such a liar these past weeks...lies of omission are still lies to me. It feels so much better to be the authentic me again; it's nice to not feel misunderstood. 

What a trip! I feel like a different species or different gender of human than I normally am...very ultra-female on the spectrum of femininity to masculinity. This is different for me...I am usually content to hang out near the middle and take on characteristics of either as it suits me. 

Oh yeah, and I feel like Chris Farley in the GAP GIRLS skit:

 

Heartbeat

I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday.  First they showed me my organs...

Ultrasound tech: "there's your right kidney"
Me: (sitting up) "oh, my KIDney.  that's so COOL!!"
Ultrasound tech: "um, wow, we haven't even gotten to the baby yet. you're not going to freak out, are you?"
Me: (giddy, laying back down) "ok, ok, ok..I'll calm down"

It is so uplifting to see a little hummingbird heart beating in my body! I guess today I'm 8 weeks 6 days. Go go gadget belly!

Pregnant with apprehension

Yesterday I had a
meeting with a postdoc
collaborator and his boss,
who I had not met yet, and
my boss. I was dreading being
at the meeting in my tired and
nauseous state, and having to
justify to everyone who is
important why they
should work
with me.

But, I carefully monitored what I ate, and drank just a bit of caffeine 2 hours before the meeting and prepared the best I could, and was feeling great when meeting time rolled around. When I showed up, I found out my boss had been at work until 12 AM dealing with a tense situation and had to get up at 6 so she was a little tired, his boss looked exhausted, and my poor friend was getting over a bout of terrible food poisoning from the night before!! I think it's safe to say I was the only one at the meeting NOT feeling exhausted and/or nauseous!



I think I can do this. :)

Friday night craving

mmm...pineapple, olives, cheddar, prunes, and crackers...

Aren't you scared? Well that's just fine!

Best best best halloween movie ever!

Fall apple picking

A good day to be outside.

30 rock is the best medicine

Dot com: Liz, Tracy will not be coming out of his dressing room today.

Liz: Oh, come on, what now?

Tracy: I’m werewolfing myself. You know when a dude knows he’s gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself into a jail? 

Liz: sure.

Tracy: Well I’m embarrassed to say, I’ve missed the birth of both of my sons. For very legitimate reasons.

Dot com: Cooking a french bread pizza, and forgot. 

Tracy: So I promised Angie I will NOT miss the birth of our daughter.

Dot com: She was due yesterday, so we are not taking any chances. Grizz is guarding the other door.

Grizz: and reading!

Dot com: We took Tracy’s cell phone, and his wallet…

Tracy: And my mood ring! And I don’t know how I feel about that.

Happy birthday to Art!

In my tree

Up here in my tree. 
Newspapers matter not to me. 
...
I wave to all my friends...
They don't seem to notice me. :)
...
And I got a glimpse of my inner sense.
Got back my innocence. Still got it. Still got it.

Funny picture my sister found of me

I just hope the back of this shirt says "the rest of us think you're an asshole"...

The Lighthouse

The rocky ledge runs far into the sea, 

and on its outer point, some miles away,

the lighthouse lifts its massive masonry, 

A pillar of fire by night, of cloud by day.

Even at this distance I can see the tides, 

Upheaving, break unheard along its base, 

A speechless wrath, that rises and subsides

in the white tip and tremor of the face.

And as the evening darkens, lo! how bright,

through the deep purple of the twilight air,

Beams forth the sudden radiance of its light,

with strange, unearhly splendor in the glare!

No one alone: from each projecting cape

And perilous reef along the ocean's verge,

Starts into life a dim, gigantic shape,

Holding its lantern o'er the restless surge.

Like the great giant Christopher it stands

Upon the brink of the tempestuous wave,

Wading far out among the rocks and sands, 

The night o'er taken mariner to save.

And the great ships sail outward and return

Bending and bowing o'er the billowy swells,

And ever joyful, as they see it burn

They wave their silent welcome and farewells.

They come forth from the darkness, and their sails

Gleam for a moment only in the blaze,

And eager faces, as the light unveils

Gaze at the tower, and vanish while they gaze.

The mariner remembers when a child,

on his first voyage, he saw it fade and sink

And when returning from adventures wild,

He saw it rise again o'er ocean's brink.    

Steadfast, serene, immovable, the same,

Year after year, through all the silent night

Burns on forevermore that quenchless flame, 

Shines on that inextinguishable light!

It sees the ocean to its bosum clasp

The rocks and sea-sand with the kiss of peace:

It sees the wild winds lift it in their grasp,

And hold it up, and shake it like a fleece.

The startled waves leap over it; the storm

Smites it with all the scourges of the rain, 

And steadily against its solid form

press the great shoulders of the hurricane.

The sea-bird wheeling round it, with the din 

of wings and winds and solitary cries,

Blinded and maddened by the light within,

Dashes himself against the glare, and dies.

A new Prometheus, chained upon the rock,

Still grasping in his hand the fire of love,

it does not hear the cry, nor heed the shock,

but hails the mariner with words of love.

"Sail on!" it says: "sail on, ye stately ships!

And with your floating bridge the ocean span;

Be mine to guard this light from all eclipse.

Be yours to bring man neared unto man.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Day 1

Yikes!

It takes courage...to enjoy it

Never underestimate the ability of music to inject a spark into your life! 

Enjoy the rainbows and the music together again, Grandma and Grandpa.

Air travel is for the birds

I am completely disoriented after any airplane flight. It just seems impossible that in a matter of hours--poof!--I am in what will be a completely foreign place for the next day or so. It's like someone gave me a brain shake. I need to get past this.
This time is no different, or only different in that the feeling is more intense. Moments from the past two days flicker through my mind like a VHS tape being rewound in slow motion...like when you're looking for a specific scene, or like it's broken so you have to rewind on 'play' if you want to get to the beginning. Wait it out...wait it out...wait it out

Some days...I don't really like talking about my flair.

(Peter looks at the buttons' on her suspenders. One says We're 
not in Kansas anymore. The one underneath says POOF.)

PETER
"We're not in Kansas anymore."

JOANNA
Yeah. Really. (laughs)

PETER
It's on your - (points)

JOANNA
Oh! That's, uh, that's uh, my pieces of flair.

PETER
What are pieces of flair?

JOANNA
That's where you know, suspenders and buttons all sorts of stuff. 
We're, uh, we're actually required to wear fifteen pieces of flair. quite stupid actually.

PETER
Do you get to pick them out yourself?

JOANNA
Yeah. Yeah. Although I didn't actually choose these. I, uh, I just 
grabbed fifteen buttons and, uh, I don't even know what they say! 
Y'know, I don't really care. I don't really like talking about my 
flair.

This scene is how I feel walking to work sometimes...I'm simply required to walk along this street so that I can physically get to work, and the fact that I am there, walking, well, we don't need to have a conversation about that, do we?

Random guy: Whoa, how tall are you?

Me: (shun)

Random guy: Tall and pretty, coming through!

Me: (obligatory smile, mumble)

Volunteer: Are you friendly?

Me: No.

Volunteer: Wow, I guess you don't care about saving the whales...

Other Volunteer, disguised as a random guy: Do I know you?

Me: No.

Other Volunteer: Well, while I have your attention, do you want to save the children?

Oh my gosh, people...I don't want to talk about my flair today!!!