Equalized, Aware.....Reunited

 

Omar has struggled with so many ear infections in his short life - he has been on antibiotics for the past two months straight with little relief - so he had a fairly urgent operation yesterday to insert tubes and remove adenoids. The doctor said afterward that there was so much thick fluid in his ears, his hearing would probably be a lot better now. Omar was so brave and wonderful. What an amazing miracle surgeons perform - I was so nervous about the surgery itself I had not yet contemplated the benefits immediately evident afterward. He immediately started breathing better - I hadn't even realized how heavily he breathed before because of his large adenoids. Little by little, throughout the course of the day, other things have been coming to my attention. He is walking with much more balance, taking more steps in a row. He said "bath" instead of "da". At breakfast and lunch, like every day for the past several months, I worked with him on saying "down" instead of screaming and kicking to get out of the high chair. By dinner, when he was ready to get down, he looked at me and said "down"!

The sweetest thing is that he has started saying "mama" again. Mama was his first word, and he used to say it all the time before his major ear problems had set in. Then he fell out of saying it - I thought he was just going through a Dada phase. Today it has been nothing but mama mama all day! I honestly think he just couldn't hear me all those months (dada talks MUCH louder than mama....) The other reason I think this is because Omar used to just shout everything he said...today I have heard him speak with more variation in tone than ever before. It is nice to hear him talk to his Elmo doll in a sweet, high-pitched voice. It also makes me a little sad - to think of all the sweet, soft things I said to him - he missed out on all the "I love yous". We are reunited today, and I am so grateful.

Happy weekend pictures

One...happy...Omar!

Omar is SOOOO happy with his grandparents here! Just a taste of how happy he was when they gave him his birthday presents. He started dancing in his new shoes:

Oh, wait, no - here is the link.:)

Happy birthday, Omar! We were happy like this on the day you were born. Love you, Mom.

IN CONtrol...

Art and I watched the muppet movie after Omar went to sleep last night. It totally got me feeling like a new beginning...very much in the Easter Spirit. :)

One of my favorite lines from the movie (in addition to the scene above - which is hilarious) is this one: "You always believe in other people.  But that’s easy.  Sooner or later you have to believe in yourself." This was a scene in which the main character is being gently urged to step up rather than depend on his heroes to get the job done. The great thing is that he does come through, not with anything out of this world, but just with what he does well, and it is enough.

Happy Easter to everyone - wishing you a new beginning, and the ability to be your own hero!

pop!

Down...

Wow, I have felt so awful this week.  I am irrationally angry just from the sight of some people at work, and tears come to my eyes with the tiniest nostalgic thought... People will say hi to me in the hall and it is all that I can do to simply say hi back rather than yelling "F off!" instead. I'm not kidding. I've also had some pretty euphoric moments, but these are less intense. I mostly feel like why the hell am I in Boston, why did I choose this career path, everything I am doing is insignificant, how can I be working so hard and still feeling like the chances of getting a job are so slim, why is it so hard to focus at work... I feel guilty for not being happier, since I know rationally I do have a good life. Seeing Omar's sweet face makes me sad, since I think, come on, Lisa - why doesn't this make you happy?

I know these feelings are partly based in real life stresses, but normally I have a good enough blind faith that things will work out, and I can look back at what we have accomplished so far and feel like there is a good possibility that things will continue to be fine in the near future.  So, I feel like these crazy bad moods are chemical.

Not coincidentally, I think, around a week ago, I decided to stop pumping at work, since Omar doesn't seem to have a preference for pumped breast milk over the formula we use to supplement recently, and he's only drinking around 4 ounces of milk or formula at daycare anyway (mostly eating solid food).  So we now just nurse at night before bed and when he wakes up at 4AM. I was thinking this is a good transition to nudge him toward weaning around his first birthday, although I don't plan to ever cut him off completely before he's ready.

At first it was really nice to not have to plan my day around the pumping. But a couple of days into this, I realized I was really dragging and feeling depressed like I described. Then I felt just plain MEAN. I am totally missing my mid-day dose of oxytocin, I think.  Is it possible to have postpartum depression symptoms from weaning? Even gradually like I'm doing? I hope this evens out soon. I'm finding it impossible to treat my symptoms the way I normally used to with yoga, since, as I mentioned, Omar wakes up at 4AM, so there is no time - he takes a nap before daycare, but I have to use this time to get all our stuff ready for the day. I think Art and I probably average 5 hours of sleep  on a good night. I just wonder how anyone does it with more than one kid..Thankfully, my irrational irritation seems to be limited to my co-workers and occasionally Art - still feeling sweet towards Omar. If this doesn't clear up soon, I might just have to put up a 'do not disturb' sign at work so that I don't kill someone.

Up!

Last night Art and Omar spent a good chunk of time setting the balloon free and watching it drift up to the ceiling, so we played this game a little bit this morning, too. I think he is fascinated with how it defies gravity. :)

Omar being cute

My little nudist...he hates getting dressed for bed. Trying his cute face on us - lately when he wants attention he blinks his eyes really tight. If this doesn't work, he tries sticking out his tongue. Funny little guy!

Omar and Dada

Omar has such a good time joking around with Art - I have front row seats to the world's sweetest comedy show...

Mmmmm....zzzzzzz....

31

Cruising

blebelblablebleble

Body Image

I finally received photos from a pregnancy photo shoot I did 3 weeks before Omar was born. It is so surreal to look back. The reason I really wanted to do this photo shoot is because I had a hard time accepting my pregnant body - it's hard to undo a lifetime of subliminal messaging about how a female form is supposed to look in a matter of months - and that bothered me. I remembered talking with Mom about how kids in her class got such a confidence boost when Tina took their picture. I thought that having this pregnant physique documented by a professional photographer would on some level help me to accept this body for the way it was. Even though I didn't get the pictures back until now, it really did help just to go through the process. I think photography should be part of therapy.

Seeing these photos now makes me also realize how much the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding...blooming...has dramatically changed the way I feel about how my body relates to my self. Seeing how different my 'shell' looked during these various phases over the course of just over a year makes me realize how NOT my body I am. I accept how I was pregnant and how I am now and I basically just hover above myself so objectively without judging or hating any part of myself anymore. This is yet another one of the benefits of being born into motherhood, I think.

Can you believe Omar is in there??

Thank you, Tina!

All of these are among my favorite Omar 'looks'~

thank you so much for capturing them, Tina!!

Christmas Eve

We were so sick... I think we were both ready to pass out when Tina took this hilarious picture (I love it).

I don't know how to do things better when you live far away. Maybe we should just assume we're going to get sick from the plane ride and go out a few days earlier? I am so ashamed of how overwhelmed and complainy I was, but I was unprepared for how much work it is when you get the little guy out of his routine. Or maybe I was prepared for that, but not prepared to take this on while having such a bad cold? Or maybe I could have handled all that, but couldn't put up with the weirdo from Art's parents church, losing my wallet on the plane, people worrying about Omar being too cold when it's 50  degrees outside, etc. etc. I think it was worth it once Omar got better and was able to play with his cousins.  Still, I think Art put it best when he said that he was 'so relieved to be home, even if it is Boston.'