I like this...she is great! and so is California

I love the smile of relief that just involuntarily comes over her face when she sings the word "California"...very genuine. 

My Gift/Curse

I have a special instant karmic gift or curse: any time I say something bad about someone or something, I immediately summon them to do something to prove me wrong...or the universe changes (or reveals) their situation so that I feel bad about what I said.  I could list countless examples of this, but I don't want to make it seem like I talk bad about people all day...it is uncanny, though. It makes me wonder if I really went by the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" mantra...would my feelings of annoyance still be contradicted so instantaneously?  I bet it makes me seem like a terribly inconsistent person, since I complain about someone one day and then I have no problem with them the next day, but I think it's better to be inconsistent than to be committed to disliking someone or something.  I guess if I can access any reason to let go of a negative thing, my feeling is that it's good to just unapologetically let it go and don't think too hard about it.

You can probably see where this is going from my last post...ever since last weekend, I have started liking our life in Boston more. :)

The start of year two

I used to like the times when I was alone in San Diego.  In Boston...not so much.

I'm realizing that, although there are many isolated things I like about this place, in general...I don't like Boston. I was trying to pin it down today to one of my friends and I think I said "It's like some great...breeding ground, where rich and pampered prep school kids come to spawn." They seem to only go out at night because it is what it expected of them at this age...just like they have done everything that is expected of them at every age. They complain about their lives like it's the end of the world if they only traveled within the 48 contiguous states over their summer break. Their conversations are mind-numbingly boring. Like, have an original thought! Connect, don't always try to impress! Use a freaking slang word every once in a while...are you afraid someone will think less of you if you aren't constantly demonstrating your perfect command of the Queen's English? The girls here evaluate the boys like they are sizing them up as a breeding partner...talking about their career options and families...there is no gut feeling of "I LIKE him".  There is no feeling!

The worst thing is...I think they're rubbing off on me. This ATMOSPHERE of...pressure to not make a mistake...of being evaluated...is making me TIMID! I realized I'm not totally that good of a friend anymore. I don't take risks; I don't want to put myself out there as much; I am too reserved.  I evaluate things cooly before responding instead of just giving my knee-jerk reaction. It was easier in San Diego to not need to define myself and to be free with my time and energy and warm feelings toward people. To say, hey, let's go do this. It was easier to not have to justify ENJOYing things! The New England culture is so oppressive sometimes! It's that knowing "oh,..." and prim head nod.  The locals want to classify you so badly that you're afraid to say something that will damn you into some category for the rest of the time they know you. So I end up saying less and less...

I know there are normal people here in Boston, it's just that none of us want to venture out into this depressingly un-messy breeding ground of conformity and perfection, so we keep to ourselves and have our babies and count the days until we can move back to a more sane community. Or maybe a year is too short an amount of time to have found the riverbeds where THEY all hang out. Or "convene".

I'm coming out!

I am finally posting old hidden posts about being pregnant! There aren't many, since most of the past few weeks have been feeling unwell beyond my control. Then, so abruptly, a few days ago, I'm normal again.

I decided to come out of the closet after 3 months of waiting. I am nearing the end of week 12 today.  I felt like such a liar these past weeks...lies of omission are still lies to me. It feels so much better to be the authentic me again; it's nice to not feel misunderstood. 

What a trip! I feel like a different species or different gender of human than I normally am...very ultra-female on the spectrum of femininity to masculinity. This is different for me...I am usually content to hang out near the middle and take on characteristics of either as it suits me. 

Oh yeah, and I feel like Chris Farley in the GAP GIRLS skit:

 

Heartbeat

I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday.  First they showed me my organs...

Ultrasound tech: "there's your right kidney"
Me: (sitting up) "oh, my KIDney.  that's so COOL!!"
Ultrasound tech: "um, wow, we haven't even gotten to the baby yet. you're not going to freak out, are you?"
Me: (giddy, laying back down) "ok, ok, ok..I'll calm down"

It is so uplifting to see a little hummingbird heart beating in my body! I guess today I'm 8 weeks 6 days. Go go gadget belly!

Pregnant with apprehension

Yesterday I had a
meeting with a postdoc
collaborator and his boss,
who I had not met yet, and
my boss. I was dreading being
at the meeting in my tired and
nauseous state, and having to
justify to everyone who is
important why they
should work
with me.

But, I carefully monitored what I ate, and drank just a bit of caffeine 2 hours before the meeting and prepared the best I could, and was feeling great when meeting time rolled around. When I showed up, I found out my boss had been at work until 12 AM dealing with a tense situation and had to get up at 6 so she was a little tired, his boss looked exhausted, and my poor friend was getting over a bout of terrible food poisoning from the night before!! I think it's safe to say I was the only one at the meeting NOT feeling exhausted and/or nauseous!



I think I can do this. :)

Friday night craving

mmm...pineapple, olives, cheddar, prunes, and crackers...