I'm realizing that, although there are many isolated things I like about this place, in general...I don't like Boston. I was trying to pin it down today to one of my friends and I think I said "It's like some great...breeding ground, where rich and pampered prep school kids come to spawn." They seem to only go out at night because it is what it expected of them at this age...just like they have done everything that is expected of them at every age. They complain about their lives like it's the end of the world if they only traveled within the 48 contiguous states over their summer break. Their conversations are mind-numbingly boring. Like, have an original thought! Connect, don't always try to impress! Use a freaking slang word every once in a while...are you afraid someone will think less of you if you aren't constantly demonstrating your perfect command of the Queen's English? The girls here evaluate the boys like they are sizing them up as a breeding partner...talking about their career options and families...there is no gut feeling of "I LIKE him". There is no feeling!
The worst thing is...I think they're rubbing off on me. This ATMOSPHERE of...pressure to not make a mistake...of being evaluated...is making me TIMID! I realized I'm not totally that good of a friend anymore. I don't take risks; I don't want to put myself out there as much; I am too reserved. I evaluate things cooly before responding instead of just giving my knee-jerk reaction. It was easier in San Diego to not need to define myself and to be free with my time and energy and warm feelings toward people. To say, hey, let's go do this. It was easier to not have to justify ENJOYing things! The New England culture is so oppressive sometimes! It's that knowing "oh,..." and prim head nod. The locals want to classify you so badly that you're afraid to say something that will damn you into some category for the rest of the time they know you. So I end up saying less and less...
I know there are normal people here in Boston, it's just that none of us want to venture out into this depressingly un-messy breeding ground of conformity and perfection, so we keep to ourselves and have our babies and count the days until we can move back to a more sane community. Or maybe a year is too short an amount of time to have found the riverbeds where THEY all hang out. Or "convene".
maybe I should have read my personal horoscope for today before posting: "Possibilities for growth and change are all around you now, so be positive and forward-looking, especially where emotional issues are concerned. If you look at life from a new angle, you could start to see that many of your fears are groundless and were caused by lack of confidence. All that is due to change as of today."
ReplyDeletewe miss you so much, lisa! i loved seeing art, but it only made me look forward to seeing you at christmas even more. LOVE YOU!!!
ReplyDeletecome home! we are "normal". just ask art:) Ha! never fear...soon your world will get really really small and really really big at the same time and all that you will thinking about is 'how do i take my eyes off her?"
ReplyDeletehim!!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I figured if I can't find my social scene, maybe I will breed one? :) jk. Actually, when Art was in NM I went by myself to get some pancakes (the baby possessed me) and I found myself in a great conversation with a local Bostonian. It was very validating and refreshing at the same time...it turns out the locals don't much care for the environment that is brought about by the influx of the prep school kids either, so they generally just keep to the friendships they have made in high school. The normals actually do avoid going out in public, just like I thought! But it's nice to know they do exist. Anyway, things are always getting better.
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